I don't write for someone to read. I write for me to think.
Every now and then when having a conversation with regards to this website, a certain question arises. "How many people read it?" - and truthfully?
I have no idea.
I have no idea about virtually anything regarding interactions with this website. This page is hosted via bearblog which by allows you to use tracking metrics to see site visits and other interaction data. It also features a discovery page where you can see what's 'trending' at the time being based on how many toasts (likes) they get. And I've blocked myself from all of them.
Disabling tracking was the first thing I did after I hit create new site. I don't care about it, and it only serves to distract me. It's the same reason why I started disliking social media. Sure, it's cool to see a number of how many people 'follow' and 'like' your stuff, but I know myself well enough to know that if I'm able to see this metrics then I will focus on them and judge and value myself based on them - i don't want to do that. Metrics such as likes, views, and followers aren't exactly based on what I hope to cultivate with this site - that is personal reflection, deeper thought, and self scrutiny. I also want to write in a somewhat longer format to enter deeper thought, whereas (at time of writing) the top 3 trending posts are all about one page long. This is not a critique of said posts, only highlighting a pattern.
For toasts/likes and the discovery page, I've quite simply made a filter in AdNauseam (a fork of uBlock) that blocks it from rendering. On the discovery page, I've added myself to the hidden blogs list so I don't show up. The only form of 'audience interaction' I'm interested in from this site, is people responding to me or critizing me. Pointing out flaws in my train of thought, or responding to potential questions I ask in my writing. This is why I have a 'reply via email'-button at the bottom of my posts for the discovery page.
Why I write
Recently, I finished Hazel Thayer's video why is reading so hard now?. The video touches on many things that worry me, first and foremost how we are allowing a handful of tech-fascist oligarchs to systematically deprive us of our common ability to critically think, analyze, and question what we see. She argues that this has happened through collectively depriving us of our common ability to read [books] and reflect on the information shared in them, in favor of sharing said information verbally and audiovisually. She also talks about the importance of literacy, the differences of how we process information derived from (long-form) text compared to videos/audios, and recommendations for things to read that are fun1 She somewhat touches on ideas of de-skilling as well (though not directly), and points to a lot of the symptoms of an overfocus on 'productivity'2 and doing things fast.
I really dislike the state of the 'modern internet'. Almost everything has been chased down by venture capital and people seeking to make a profit with zero regard for what makes us human3. It has systematically stolen our ability of critical thinking and reflection4. Writing and publishing on this site is one way I try to regain that ability.
In Hazel's video, she brings up a Joan Didion quote:
I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. [What I want and what I fear].
It's kind of fun how someone I had never heard of before could put into words what I've been thinking for quite some time now.
The image Hazel paints of a world unable to reflect and criticize, only being persuaded by that which is being said the most charismatically regardless of truth, scares me. What scares me even more is that many places this is already a reality - just take a look at the ongoing elections in Hungary or the increasingly common anti-immigration stance in western countries - or pretty much any other dictatorship regardless of where in the world. Every fourth Norwegian doesn't believe in human made climate change.
Thinking deeply and reflecting has always been an active choice, not a passive one - you're not consuming when reflecting, you are actively creating. It's an attempt at scrutiny that I feel like is disappearing. Watching my co-students struggle to write a five paragraph essay is, frankly speaking, pretty sad and kind of embarassing. Writing regularily, regardless of quality and topic, is a good way for me to combat this.
It also helps me collect my thoughts and actually figure out what it is I believe. Writing my exams last semester helped me realize just how much clearer I can think about something after having written about it. The process of having to back and fourth through my words, my sentences, and my paragraphs to form a properly structured text helps me find clarity in my head. During a regular day I have countless thoughts about countless topics. Getting them down on paper makes this less of a problem and is a good way for me to manage my constant mind wandering.
Lastly, I also find it pretty comforting to create a sort of written knowledge database that I can constantly go back and refer to. If someone asks me what software I use, I can just send them this or refer to it to make sure I actually got everything. If I want to talk about my experience here in Brazil in the future, I can check my weekly log.
I do all of this publically for three reasons. One, I think it's cool. Two, I like having something to share, especially if someone by coincidence can like it or get something out of it. And three, it keeps me accountable to keep writing and keep reflecting.
It's not a coincidence that I launched this site on new years eve, pretty close to me finishing my exams. As mentioned above, methodically reflecting is an active choice and I need to actively keep doing it. Writing is my way of doing so.
I write so I can understand what I see, what I think, and what I experience. I write so I can make sense of myself and of my world. I write because it gives me peace. I write because if I didn't -
I don't even know if I can answer that final part.
I somewhat touch on this myself in my semi-rant about the "philosophy good self-help bad" trope. I've over time somewhat adopted the stance that reading is a book is good pretty much no matter what since it at the very least isn't staring at those horrible ai generated cat breakup videos or whatever the hell is taking over things right now. Exception: Mark Manson and 48 laws of power. If you see those books, turn around, don't walk, run.↩
Productivity, a word which I believe many people have made a little too synonymous to learning or creating, feels as if it's become a 'new virtue'. Originally the word has to do with how fast a worker was able to produce a product at a factory (hence productivity) and first and foremost rewards speed and quantity, not quality - something that really lines up with how the slop-machine suno quite literally describes impatience as a virtue in their about section.↩
Generative AI is an insult to humanity. I will not elaborate (yet).↩
Semi-hyperbolic statement, agreed. With regards to stolen: I specifically use this term because it's something that is happening with 'everyone', not just individuals. It's systemic; someting (or more correclty someone) is actively depriving us of this. 'Lost' would be more appropriate if it was just for individuals.↩